Vtac
by rain1657
Summary: "All I felt was cold and darkness."  A JJ/Emily oneshot that takes place after 7x06 "Epilogue".  Spoilers up to and including that episode.


**AN: Here's a quick oneshot for you guys. It takes place after 7.06 "Epilogue". I felt like there was more to the story than what they gave us, especially after the look JJ gave Emily when she heard about Emily's vision. So here is what has been plaguing my mind since that episode. Enjoy!**

**As always, I don't own any of these characters, though two stunning FBI agents have made it onto my Christmas list several years in a row (hint hint Santa). Anyway, major thanks go out to AliceBB for sticking with my horrible editing. **

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><p>"<em>He wanted to see if he had the same experience as before."<em>

"_Once wasn't enough?"_

"_Not if Jake didn't see the same thing the UNSUB did. He wants to know if the experience can change. I can relate to that. Reid felt a warmth and saw a light. When I coded in the ambulance, all I felt was cold and darkness. And I would like to think there's a different future waiting for me."_

Xxx-xxxxx-xxX

The sound of her heartbeat was harsh in her ears: loud, obnoxious, hard to ignore. Yet the sound did little to distract her from the thoughts currently assaulting her mind. She could usually get lost easily in the steady rhythm of that sound as she ran, it tended to provide white noise for her mind to wander as her feet carried her further and further from her problems. Running and getting lost in that noise normally cleared all the emotions that built up during cases and allowed her to re-center herself.

Tonight however, was a completely different story. All of the typical stressors matched. They had just gotten off of a tough case, she couldn't sleep because her mind wouldn't stop playing the crime scene photos on repeat, and the darkness of humanity was still clinging tightly to her psyche. The problem was that something was fighting her white noise for dominance and was currently matching the rough staccato of her footfalls as she pushed herself harder.

_"When I coded in the ambulance, all I felt was cold and darkness."_

Harsh rhythm; ragged breath—feet pounding on pavement.

_"Coded in the ambulance..."_

Harsh. Ragged. Pounding.

_Ambulance…_

Harsh.

_Cold…_

Ragged.

_Darkness..._

Pounding.

_Coded..._

JJ stopped running and placed her hands on her knees to regain her breath. The nausea that came with thinking about Emily's experience was back again. That moment is one that would haunt her for a while. In that moment, when the words "when I coded in the ambulance" left Emily's mouth, JJ had frozen.

Victims talk about being literally frozen in place by fear. They claim that they had been physically unable to move, and that concept had never made sense to JJ. That is until recently.

JJ hadn't been able to move. Her breath had caught viciously in her throat, and her mind had gone completely blank except for those awful words that echoed maliciously in her head. She had wanted to comfort the brunette: to gather the other woman in her arms until that heart-wrenching look was wiped off of her face. She wanted to reach out to her and prove to herself that Emily was safely back with them. She wanted to do all of that, her mind was screaming at her to do that, but she sat there instead, staring in mute horror at her teammate.

She straightened and put her hands on her head to try and move more precious air into her burning lungs. Now that they were home, JJ had a lot of time to think about everything that had been going on since Emily came back. She wondered how she could have missed something this big that Emily was going through. True, things had been hectic lately for JJ, especially at home.

Ever since she became a profiler, things between her and Will had been strained. They fought almost every night and the only thing that had gotten JJ through the subsequent break up had been her late night online Scrabble games with Emily. There had been many a night when Emily was in Paris that JJ had wanted nothing more than to have Emily smile at her or simply hold her. The worst night had been when Will had finally stormed out of the apartment and slammed the door behind him, but not without screaming at her about them being done. That night JJ had consumed more than half a bottle of whiskey and had waited up all night for Emily to play a word in their latest game but Emily never did.

If JJ was being honest with herself, she would have to admit that her attraction to Emily had been immediate when she first laid eyes on the older woman standing awkwardly in Hotch's office almost five years ago. Things progressed naturally from colleagues to friends; their conversations slipped easily to flirtatious banter along the way and eventually JJ found she had developed feelings for her friend. By that time, however, Will and Henry were both in the picture. So when Will broke it off, JJ felt a mix of emotions. She was disappointed that a man she cared deeply about was no longer going to be a constant presence in her life. Then the relief that she no longer had to pretend they could be more settled in and the situation brightened slightly. The truth was that there would have always been an obstacle standing in the way of her relationship with Will: Emily Prentiss. That woman had burrowed her way into JJ's heart and refused to leave, not that the blonde was complaining.

So the very thought of living without Emily around was terrifying. Emily was her rock, her sanity, her calm in the storm they called the BAU. JJ didn't think she could completely survive their job without Emily, and she knew for sure that she didn't want to try either.

JJ turned and started her route back to her apartment. She had to shower and then head back into DC, back to Emily. They had spent enough time dancing around their feelings for each other. Their friendship was progressing towards a relationship on its own, but JJ decided that she needed to speed things along a little bit. The need to hold Emily at night and wake up next to her in the morning was becoming too great. The very idea that she had almost missed her chance finally pushed her off the fence. She would tell Emily how she felt tonight.

Xxx-xxxxx-xxX

JJ took the stairs to Emily's condo two at a time. Emily's words still echoed harshly in JJ's mind and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop the tears from forming. She took a deep breath to try and calm her emotions and then knocked.

A few tense seconds passed before a shadow crossed behind the peephole briefly and the door was opened.

"Why didn't you tell me?" JJ demanded before Emily could say anything.

"What?" the confusion was obvious on Emily's face.

JJ squared her shoulders as she asked again. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Emily moved aside to let her teammate in, the confusion still clear.

"About what you saw. Why didn't you tell me?" JJ elaborated before she entered the condo.

Understanding flashed on Emily's features. She hesitated, buying herself some time as she closed the door. When Emily turned back around, her walls were firmly in place.

"I didn't think it was that important."

"Not important? Emily…" JJ's voice was laced with sympathy. "That's a pretty important thing."

Emily's nonchalant shrug stopped the blonde before she could continue. The truth was that the emotions she felt from sharing that piece of information were still too close to the surface. They were still too raw for her to want to talk about it again. Especially with JJ.

"Don't do that, Emily."

"Don't do what?" Emily asked in feigned innocence.

"You know what," JJ took a step closer to her friend. She could see that Emily was as scared as she was, that Emily was vulnerable, and that Emily was trying desperately to bury everything in one of her boxes. "Don't shut me out. Don't box this up Emily. Not with me."

Emily diverted her eyes. "There's nothing to talk about, JJ. I'm fine," she tried to reason.

"Emily, please," JJ pleaded.

"Why is this such a big deal to you?"

"Why! You died, Emily. That's a big deal, especially to me."

"It was only for a minute," Emily said with another shrug.

JJ rolled her eyes. "Will you stop, please. Just talk to me. I need to understand."

"There's nothing to understand. Ian Doyle ran me through with a two by four, I coded in the back of the ambulance, and they brought me back: end of story. That's all that happened," Emily practically growled.

JJ took another step towards the other woman. "That's not all that happened, Emily. You don't have to pretend with me," JJ soothed.

"Why are you making this into such a big deal?" Emily demanded as she crossed her arms over her chest.

Frustration flashed in blue eyes. "You want to know why?"

"Yes!" Emily yelled in exasperation.

This was not how she planned to do it, but what the hell. "Fine!" JJ snapped before she took the final two determined steps to Emily. She didn't hesitate as she grabbed Emily's face in her hands and brought their lips crashing together.

It took Emily a few seconds to respond to the kiss, but she recovered quickly enough to slide her hands to JJ's hips. She tugged once, hard, to pull the younger woman closer. Love, fury, energy and passion poured into that kiss, the need they felt was obvious as they tightened their holds on each other.

JJ was the first to pull back and she slid her hands around the back of Emily's neck, but stopped just long enough to tuck a stray lock of brunette hair behind Emily's ear. "That's why."

Emily blinked. The amount of emotion that had been in that one kiss had opened the floodgates that had been barely holding her emotions at bay. And everything that she had been feeling came rushing to the surface. She blinked again at the tears that were rapidly forming.

"Why didn't _you_ tell _me_?" she managed to choke out as her hands slid up to grab at JJ's shirt, her fingers tangled fiercely in the fabric to keep JJ from leaving.

The blonde's fingers drew calming patterns on the back of Emily's neck as she tried to explain. "I was afraid and confused. I was so scared I was going to lose you. It was like I was stuck… I was afraid to tell you, but terrified to let you go," she whispered.

Emily sighed and dropped her head so their foreheads touched. "I had no idea, Jennifer."

"Then I did lose you for a while in Paris. And now you tell me that I almost lost you for good? I can't handle that, Em," she breathed out.

"I'm right here," Emily soothed as she pulled JJ into a hug.

JJ sniffled as she wrapped her arms tightly around Emily. She didn't want to ever let go. Here in her arms Emily was whole and Emily was safe. "I got a glimpse of life without you, and I didn't like it. I need you, Emily."

Emily shifted so she could cradle JJ against her as she moved towards the couch. She sat down and let JJ settle between her knees. "I came back to you, Jen. It's okay."

"Nothing about what happened to you is okay."

Silence settled between them and JJ had just begun to think that Emily wasn't going to talk about it when the older woman sighed. "Part of the reason I didn't say anything is because I knew the team would have problems trusting me when I came back. I didn't want to give them any more reason to be concerned about me or my abilities in the field."

Emily paused to take a deep breath. "The other reason was because…"

JJ squeezed the arms around her in support when Emily trailed off. "It's okay, Em."

"Because I was terrified," Emily whispered.

JJ shifted so she could turn to look at Emily. "There's nothing wrong with being afraid, Emily."

A small, sad smile tugged at the corner of Emily's lips. "That coldness I felt, the darkness I saw—that scared me so badly, Jayje. I didn't want to say anything about it because if I didn't say it out loud, then it wouldn't be real, you know? If I kept it a secret, then I could pretend for just a brief moment that it had all been a nightmare," Emily explained.

JJ ran her hand up Emily's arm in comfort. "You're safe now. You're here, you're home."

"Am I really safe, though?" Emily questioned.

"What?"

"Think about it. Reid saw a light and felt a comforting warmth. I just had an endless darkness," Emily explained.

"Emily," JJ started in a pained whisper. "That doesn't necessarily mean anything."

"Doesn't it?" the brunette snapped, the tears now flowing freely down her face.

"No, sweetheart, it doesn't. Reid was in a cabin pumped full of drugs. He hadn't been injured as badly. You though…" she paused to try and reign in her emotions. It didn't work, so she continued.

"You were bleeding to death, Emily. Reid was on a high from the narcotics pumping through him. Your body was shutting down. There's a big difference there."

Emily seemed unconvinced. "But what if that is what I have to look forward to?"

"It won't be," JJ argued immediately.

"What if it is?"

"What makes you think that's what your afterlife is going to be?" JJ asked.

"I'm guessing that's what the UNSUB saw."

JJ couldn't stop the scoff that came from her throat. "You two aren't even remotely similar."

"Aren't we!" Emily bit back.

JJ dropped her head and stifled her initial response. Emily didn't need her to be angry right now. Emily needed to be talked out of the darkness, not shoved further in. That required calmness and understanding.

She waited a few seconds before she moved further up the couch and gently moved Emily over so she could lie down on her side facing Emily. "Come here," she practically ordered as she opened her arms to Emily.

Emily hesitated for a brief moment before she relented. She curled into JJ's front and sighed as JJ wrapped her arms around her.

JJ kissed the top of Emily's head. "Why do you think you're the same as Chase Whitaker?"

"We've both killed," Emily mumbled into JJ's shoulder.

"Not the same," JJ responded before Emily had even finished speaking. "You kill to save innocent victims. He killed out of a sick curiosity. _He_ brought death. _You_ bring life."

Emily snorted skeptically. "How safe are the victims we save though? They'll never be the same."

"Maybe not, but Em, you give them a chance at life. You save them, trust me. I know because you have saved me. You _save_ me everyday."

"How?" Emily asked quietly.

JJ winced at how lost and broken Emily sounded. "You keep me grounded, you keep me centered. Em, you're what pulls me out of the darkness with your smile, the weird way you make your tea, and all of your nerd references. Everything about you reminds me that there's goodness in this world."

JJ reached down and tilted Emily's face up so she could say the next part looking the brunette in the eye. "You, Emily Elizabeth Prentiss, are the epitome of good. You are the most kind, caring, pure hearted person that I know. I watch you give selflessly time and time again without any complaints. You put your life on the line day after day for people you have never met. You keep me from drowning in all of the death and sadness we see everyday."

She leaned down and placed a gentle, loving kiss on Emily's lips. "Believe me when I say that if anyone deserves the warmth and bright light, it's you," JJ finished her speech, truth and sincerity shining bright in her eyes.

Emily thought about it for a while. There was still something bothering her about the whole thing. "Still, what if it doesn't change? What if darkness is all I get?" she asked.

JJ didn't have to think before she answered. "Then you wait."

"What?"

"You wait," JJ repeated. "If darkness is all you see, then you wait for me because I will find you. I want to spend both my life and my afterlife with you, even if it means I have to spend half of it trying to get to you."

JJ slowly began dragging her fingers through Emily's hair. "So, if you die and its cold and dark, wait for me and together we'll find the light."

Emily pulled herself closer to JJ and dropped her forehead to JJ's chest. The steady beat of JJ's heart kept her grounded in the present. The truth was that without this woman holding her Emily would have been lost long ago. Paris was one of the darkest chapters of her life so far, and the biggest reason for that was because JJ wasn't there with her.

Eventually their heartbeats found a rhythm together, and that was the final push Emily needed to shake Chase Whitaker and the darkness from her mind. All that really mattered now was that JJ was here; JJ had found her in the darkness and was holding her together. JJ was saving her everyday, and that's all Emily could ask for.

"I love you," Emily whispered against the fabric of JJ's shirt. She said it so quietly she didn't think JJ had heard her, but then JJ's heart rate picked up speed. What had once been strong and steady was now short and fast. She felt JJ kiss the top of her head again before she pulled Emily tighter into her.

"You're not alone, Em. Not anymore."

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><p><strong>Drop me a review and let me know what you think. Seriously, it's winter here in the middle of nowhere's ville USA. A review will help keep me sane, so do a girl a favor, would ya?<strong>


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